Well, hey there! If you're here for the first time today, then welcome to my dusty little corner of Blogland.
This blog didn't use to be dusty. In fact, once I was posting here almost daily.
Then my quest to be Greater, hopefully leading to Greatness all on my own, spun out of control and this little blog just...stopped.
I felt sure that God had called me to do Greater things, and at first, I was all in. I used my lunch breaks and any snippet of time trying to do what I thought I should. Somewhere along the way, though, it became more about Me and my "greatness" than it did about God and sharing His.
In the middle of a writer's conference, when everyone was being encouraged and getting fired up to do great things, God told me that I was in His way, and that just couldn't be.
That's when the words dried up.
I have struggled ever since, desperately wanting God to use me, to show me how to stay out of the way and make everything about Him. But for years now, he's just been quiet about it.
If you look at some of my most recent posts, you'll see that I was in the process of reflecting on a mission trip to Kenya I took this past May. The re-entry from that trip has been it's own struggle. But, here it is in a nutshell: I don't know why God sent me to Africa, but He did.
The call to go was as clear as it could be. My little heart cried, "Yes! This is it! This is what I can do for you, Lord!" I just knew this trip would change me, my life--that it would be a turning point.
In my impatience, I was frustrated when I came back home and things didn't feel all that different. This was supposed to be life-changing, right? That's what all the others who had gone before me said.
And once again, I found myself in a place where I wanted to be used by God, but just wasn't sure how. He had not revealed that to me yet, and my mind was trying to conjure up what God maybe wanted from me.
There I was, getting in the way again, satisfying my own will instead of waiting for the Lord to reveal His. Thankfully, I have actually learned a thing or two in the last few years and, when I recognized the selfish "make me happy!" thoughts creeping in, I stepped back. I started seeking the Lord, begging that His will be done, and not mine.
I think God might finally be starting to give me glimpses of the road ahead, and which way I should go. But after all those desperate prayers of "Use me, Lord!", I find myself terrified that He will, and that once again I will get in His way.
I'm tired of feeling good enough, or even not good enough. I don't want Greatness. With Jesus as my Guide, I just want to be Greater.
Join me? I'm participating in an online Bible study of Steven Furtick's book Greater, and you can too: right here!